How I chose to take care of myself after a miscarriage
Once month ago, I was 10 weeks pregnant. I started bleeding whilst reading the girls a bedtime story and miscarried the following day. It was scary, painful, heartbreaking and messy. You might have heard of the stats (1 in 4 pregnancy ending in miscarriage), but nothing truly prepares you for it. In addition, this remains a very taboo subject, with weirdly a lot of guilt and shame associated with it.
When it happened to me, it really made me pause and think - for the first time I felt a deep sense that I needed to put myself FIRST and recover, physically and mentally. Not minimize my pain, not play strong, fighting back the tears, dismiss it, go back to work and move on. I took the time to heal and grieve.
When you lose a baby, even only at 10 weeks, you lose them as a toddler, an 8 year old, a teenager.
So this week, which also happens to be #babylossawarenessweek, I am writing a quick post to share what helped me recover and take care of myself in the first month.
What helped in the first few days:
Take the time to accept and process the physical pain, step by step
Calling a friend that lived a similar situation to hear about every difficult physical details - I fought hard not to look at Google and the hardcore photos
Going in for a scan and seeing it “empty” - although very painful emotionally, the situation became real and helped me move into the grieving process
The kindness of the antenatal nurses
Letting myself cry
Holding a hot water bottle against my belly in bed
Writing freely about how I felt
Not regretting telling a few close friends I was pregnant early on and reaching out for support
Telling my kids: both so the bleeding when it happened and got really scared. I told them I had a baby inside me that could not continue to live, and that it was no one’s fault.
Telling myself it is no ones fault - it is actually very soothing and loving to hear that I have not done anything wrong or failed in any way
Celebrating Mathilde’s 3rd birthday with our friends
What helped in the first 2 weeks:
Discovering The Baby Loss Guide by Zoë Clark-Coates: this book is invaluable. There is a 60 days daily guide that encourages you with guidance to journal by answering questions. I opened a blank notebook and started creating dedicated space to write about how I felt and process my feelings
Detaching from some unhelpful messages society sends at you, such as “It happens all the time, you will be fine”
Realising grief is also about carrying love
Being completely off work - I am lucky to be in a company that actually recognises miscarriage and offers paid family care days
Taking the time to go for gentle walks in Battersea park and sit on a bench to look at autumn
Going for a manucure and a 90 minutes massage
What helped in weeks 3 and 4:
Going back to work and being ok finding it hard, feeling very vulnerable, detached and on the verge of tears most of the day (or even crying in front of a trusted colleague)
Accepting to readjust my schedule and work 2/5 days on week 3, 4/5 days on week 4
Welcoming feelings of sadness when seeing newborn babies at mass or pregnant women in the office (they seemed to be suddenly everywhere!)
Reaching out for future therapy sessions
If this message resonates with you, feel free to connect or write a comment below